Practicing sadhana, 40 days of ‘cross heart Kirtan kriya’, the process was not linear.
We are not linear.

Some days 31 minutes were as smooth as candy sucking. Others, everything ache. Others it was as if my mind was everywhere else but in the room with my chanting. Still other times the distraction was so ‘necessary’ I could ‘watch’ the blood in my fingers.
And then some times I was detached from the outcome, following the simple yet thorough instructions of the mantra, the mudra, the third eye focus and the bandas, only, and I tasted what is to be in an original still indescribable mental state. I literally felt expanding because I witnessed other dimensions of being for which I grew curious and anew.

Are these the potential places they say our mind has and that we normally miss with our ‘survival’-based life style?

Ever changing spaces, unrepeatable, yet recognisable and familiar, where I can synchronise the perception of my body, my thoughts and my surrounding? How interesting. And frightening. If what I know about the way I operate takes a different shape, “or” is replaced by “and”…

Every day was different. And as I approached the 40-days I realised I was not becoming ‘better’ at it. The meditations were not more ‘successful’.
Was the trick not to have expectations?
Yes, knowing was in the witnessing and the “bad” sessions were seen as the richest, as they kept confirming how human, and complex, and real I am.

So truly curious, I started to have this dialogue with myself “what are you up to today?” and my conservative self started replying “just stay, do your practice, that’s all that’s needed, that’s all enough, and…let me be”.

How does the kettle boil?

How does the sun set?

In that dialogue, my ever changing body showed it self to me, with pains, distraction, expansion and timelessness. All.

And it was in the resistance I found the words to love myself.

In appreciation, I understood resisting the change is not necessarily the fear of what is to come. It’s simply the desire to explore what there is.

Like a child resisting, just wanting to be.

The love for Being.

The love for the I.

The true acceptance.