And do things that are not too ‘serious’.

When I play I feel the most vulnerable.

You know, games for adults? Role playing fairies? Animal mimicking?

I get so thrilled.

My laughter changes.

My heart rate goes up. My eyes open and I am in the moment.

The world around me disappears, except for those moments I am very self-conscious and wonder “what if someone sees me”, “what if I stop to see myself?”.

Part of this inadequacy comes from events when I was interrupted in my playing and I heard comments on my ‘performance’: she is so good, oh you’re being silly, oh are you dancing.

So I have this feeling that ‘play’ was separated from the serious stuff I was rewarded for doing, being good, proper, well behaved and good student, in my mind.

Thus, throughout life I kept practices where I could be the silly me, playing music, dancing, singing. Even then I had to disguise the silliness because it had to sound and look ‘good’ some how.

As an adult, I infused my sexual life with play. That was efficient. I could laugh out loud and blame it on the orgasm, I could role play fantasies and call it kink.

Within the safety of company who were also being ‘silly’.

And then astrology told me I had Venus in Aries (or the other way around) and I justified all my ‘innocent, childhood, credulous’ lover side on the unavoidable fate of the stars. Phew! I had an excuse.

Having done some authentic relating practice in the last weeks, I realise that whilst I long for genuine, consistent, curious and supportive relationships, I have come to understand that I must give myself permission to express all parts of myself I have doomed incompatible.

And as I nod and feel and open up to the truth of wanting to connect more deeply from a place of pain and enquiry, I am certain my nourishment will come from the joy of being silly as a baby-goat, dance as if no one is watching, and copying children in their impulsive, spontaneous-rules-can-be-broken fashion. Playing by myself.

And it is so much fun!